So, I was on ff.net and then I look onto the profile of this guy who writes fairly nice ff, and this is on it:
"Okay, I found this in someone's profile, called 50 Things About Guys, or something like that, and I decided to offer my points on some of these. Please note that this is not meant to be taken seriously.
--Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!
(oh yeah..you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 5 guys..you're a HOE)
I hate garden hoes. I always trip over the bastards.
--"Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.
Yeah, when I was talking to my grandmother once, I asked her if she was doing something. She said: "Yeah, your grandfather." I never heard from Grandpa again.
--Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
Then they get hand cramps.
--Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.
I tried that once, my monologue on how big-hearted I am turned into a story about the time I drove into the ditch, due to a very mistimed endeavor involving some girl giving me a... uh... well, you fill in the blank. The girl hung up before I even got to the climax (hahahaha).
--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
Not necessarily. If you have massive horseteeth, or if your teeth look like a cornfield infested with locusts, we go crazy to end the date so we can fill the toilet up with our innards. It's usually those girls that are really giggly.
--Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.
Which is why I'm typing this with my not broken arm.
--Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.
It's particularly easy if the last guy you dated is the headline on the newspaper once per month.
--A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.
"Were you talking to your dad, you WHORE?! HOW COULD YOU?!"
--Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.
We also need full bowls, a collar with a tag, and taken outside to shit at regular intervals.
--Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.
--Guys get jealous easily.
The second one here is just an explanation guide to the first one.
--Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.
Then they like to go see Hawthorne Heights and take pictures of themselves looking sad.
--Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.
I can attest to this, because this girl I was dating left a message on my cellphone that went something like "WE'RE THROUGH! FINISHED! YOU HEAR ME?! I HATE YOU!" I was confused and scared.
--Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
Courting: "Judge, you look stunning today."
Talking to Girl They Like: "A-gah-bah-bha-duh MYUNCLE'SPENISINARACECAR! ...CRAP!"
--Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.
No, fat people are always hungry. Oh wai-
--Girls are guys' weaknesses.
When a girl says “hi” to me, I normally go comatose for about 12 hours. I am a massive wuss.
--Guys are very open about themselves.
“I felt up my sister at the family reunion, and I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!”
--It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.
Oh, that’s why every girl I date makes me take a scantron test first.
--Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
Hurrrr my penis thinks for me hurrrr
--If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
“Well, telling you about the suicide of my mother made me feel a lot better. Thanks.”
--A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
Are you in goddamn third grade?
--Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.
Translated: The guy who would die for you, you would kill for extra shopping money and not care in the least.
--Guys will brag about anything.
“Oh, man, I totally SLEPT last night! For 12 HOURS! IT WAS AWESOME!”
--Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.
We? You mean a guy typed this out? Wow, that puts this on a whole new level of humor.
--Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.
“She just blinked again. What does this MEAN? What is she trying to TELL ME??”
--Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then they're all confused.
We are all cloned and shipped in boxes in a factory instead of born like normal people. Verily, for we are retarded, and women are our angel overlords.
--Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.
Apparently, they can write lists that scream VIRGIN louder than just about anything else.
--Try to be as straightforward as possible.
What, is he saying this to guys or girls? Either way, it’ll go something like this:
“NICE MUDFLAPS! LET’S GET DIRTY IN THE BACK OF MY CAR! THEN I’LL DUMP YOU FOR YOUR SISTER/BROTHER.”
--A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up.
You have to have a girl stomp your heart until it’s in chunks before you can be a good guy. Are you all writing this down?
--If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.
“Well, I tripped and spilled soda all over her while we were in the theater. I wonder what she felt about that?”
--No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.
Really? I know several dudes who would just have sex with a dummy for the rest of their life if it were realistic enough. I guess they haven’t had their hearts broken yet.
--Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.
“Well, I just got dumped by a girl who is now doing it with my father. I’ll keep this in mind the next time a girl asks me out on a date and doesn’t even know my name.”
--Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.
Compassionate: I want to buy you this necklace.
Whipped: Fine, I’ll buy you the goddamn necklace.
--If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.
“If a guy is not acting like a spastic ADHD 5-year-old, his brain is.”
--When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.
“I’M GOING CRAZY!! RUGFSJDEFERFJAQDEFUE!”
And then he’s in a straitjacket.
--When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."
“What’s wrong, Pete?”
“I’m trying to do my biology paper, leave me alone so I can do my biology paper.”
“Talk to me about it.”
“It’s due in an hour and I still have 40 pages left! Please leave me alone!”
“I know you want to talk to someone about it.”
“NO!!”
“Let it all out.”
“YAAAAAAARRRGARRRRYARGLEBARGLEGUHGUHBLARGSPLAT”
--Guys don't really have final decisions.
Salad! No, soup! No, wait, salad! YAGH!
--If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.
95 percent of the time, I’m usually making funny jokes about monkeys. To ANYBODY I talk to.
--If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.
HAHA! Best guy friend! HAHA!
--When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.
“I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, DIANA!”
Diana: God hates gays and blacks.
“Uh… YEAH, TOTALLY! WHATEVER YOU SAY!”
--When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.
“That’s a big assed pimple on her back.”
--Guys like femininity not feebleness.
--Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
Again, these are quite similar. Only, the first one says “DON’T BE TOO FEEBLE” and the other one says “DON’T BE TOO STRONG.”
--A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
I could go with the easy joke and say “GUYS LIKE IT WHEN GIRL’S EYES ARE NEKKID!” You know what? Let’s just go with that.
--Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.
“Would you go out with me?”
“No, you’re creepy.”
“I’m going to have nightmares, you frighten me.”
--Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.
Men hate wax sculptures.
--Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.
HAHAHAHAHA!
--Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.
“Well, the bitch was just toying with me, but at least I got some good jerks from the whole ordeal.”
--If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don't say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and they will respect you.
“I don’t want to date you, we aren’t friends.”
“I respect you.”
--Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.
“She got mad at me for paying the outrageous check at Bennigan’s! I’m in LOVE!”
--A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.
No, he wouldn’t, he’d give his right.
--No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.
But, girls can. If a girl were hanging off the edge of a cliff and she only had one arm, psshh, she could solve that.
--Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.
JUST BECAUSE ONE SOMETHING IS A DILLHOLE, DOESN'T MEAN ALL SOMETHING ARE. NOW, AS A SOMETHING, ALLOW ME TO ACT LIKE A DILLHOLE.
--Guys don't like girls who are too skinny.
“WHERE’D YOU GO?”
“I just turned to my side.”
“Oh, we are definitely not working out.”
--Guys love it when girls talk about there boobs.
Of course, we are also partial to “here boobs” and “everywhere boobs.” We hate “where boobs” because they snap at us.
--Always make sure you know what kind of stuff your getting into before making out with a guy ...like wheather it's a one time deal or not ...
“Hey Katie, let’s French!”
“I don’t know who you are. I wonder if this will be a one-time deal.”
--Believe it or not shy guys are the most easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and unoticable tell them about yours...
I wonder what he was trying to spell there.
--When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually
Gee, I bet that cleared things up for a lot of girls. Nice going, fker, now they know our patriarchal secret.
--Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs..
So rip his ribcage out and tickle it. He’ll get quite a chuckle.
--Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts...
“GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK, YOU DAMN DIRTY SLUT! GRR!”
--Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times.
Jenny respects the fact that you just wanted to get laid but ended up getting married. Tell her that.
--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.
Guys that call at 3 AM while throwing up to ask you out on a date really want to be with you. Take your top off. Please."
"Okay, I found this in someone's profile, called 50 Things About Guys, or something like that, and I decided to offer my points on some of these. Please note that this is not meant to be taken seriously.
--Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!
(oh yeah..you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 5 guys..you're a HOE)
I hate garden hoes. I always trip over the bastards.
--"Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.
Yeah, when I was talking to my grandmother once, I asked her if she was doing something. She said: "Yeah, your grandfather." I never heard from Grandpa again.
--Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
Then they get hand cramps.
--Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.
I tried that once, my monologue on how big-hearted I am turned into a story about the time I drove into the ditch, due to a very mistimed endeavor involving some girl giving me a... uh... well, you fill in the blank. The girl hung up before I even got to the climax (hahahaha).
--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
Not necessarily. If you have massive horseteeth, or if your teeth look like a cornfield infested with locusts, we go crazy to end the date so we can fill the toilet up with our innards. It's usually those girls that are really giggly.
--Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.
Which is why I'm typing this with my not broken arm.
--Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.
It's particularly easy if the last guy you dated is the headline on the newspaper once per month.
--A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.
"Were you talking to your dad, you WHORE?! HOW COULD YOU?!"
--Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.
We also need full bowls, a collar with a tag, and taken outside to shit at regular intervals.
--Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.
--Guys get jealous easily.
The second one here is just an explanation guide to the first one.
--Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.
Then they like to go see Hawthorne Heights and take pictures of themselves looking sad.
--Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.
I can attest to this, because this girl I was dating left a message on my cellphone that went something like "WE'RE THROUGH! FINISHED! YOU HEAR ME?! I HATE YOU!" I was confused and scared.
--Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
Courting: "Judge, you look stunning today."
Talking to Girl They Like: "A-gah-bah-bha-duh MYUNCLE'SPENISINARACECAR! ...CRAP!"
--Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.
No, fat people are always hungry. Oh wai-
--Girls are guys' weaknesses.
When a girl says “hi” to me, I normally go comatose for about 12 hours. I am a massive wuss.
--Guys are very open about themselves.
“I felt up my sister at the family reunion, and I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!”
--It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.
Oh, that’s why every girl I date makes me take a scantron test first.
--Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
Hurrrr my penis thinks for me hurrrr
--If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
“Well, telling you about the suicide of my mother made me feel a lot better. Thanks.”
--A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
Are you in goddamn third grade?
--Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.
Translated: The guy who would die for you, you would kill for extra shopping money and not care in the least.
--Guys will brag about anything.
“Oh, man, I totally SLEPT last night! For 12 HOURS! IT WAS AWESOME!”
--Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.
We? You mean a guy typed this out? Wow, that puts this on a whole new level of humor.
--Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.
“She just blinked again. What does this MEAN? What is she trying to TELL ME??”
--Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then they're all confused.
We are all cloned and shipped in boxes in a factory instead of born like normal people. Verily, for we are retarded, and women are our angel overlords.
--Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.
Apparently, they can write lists that scream VIRGIN louder than just about anything else.
--Try to be as straightforward as possible.
What, is he saying this to guys or girls? Either way, it’ll go something like this:
“NICE MUDFLAPS! LET’S GET DIRTY IN THE BACK OF MY CAR! THEN I’LL DUMP YOU FOR YOUR SISTER/BROTHER.”
--A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up.
You have to have a girl stomp your heart until it’s in chunks before you can be a good guy. Are you all writing this down?
--If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.
“Well, I tripped and spilled soda all over her while we were in the theater. I wonder what she felt about that?”
--No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.
Really? I know several dudes who would just have sex with a dummy for the rest of their life if it were realistic enough. I guess they haven’t had their hearts broken yet.
--Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.
“Well, I just got dumped by a girl who is now doing it with my father. I’ll keep this in mind the next time a girl asks me out on a date and doesn’t even know my name.”
--Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.
Compassionate: I want to buy you this necklace.
Whipped: Fine, I’ll buy you the goddamn necklace.
--If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.
“If a guy is not acting like a spastic ADHD 5-year-old, his brain is.”
--When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.
“I’M GOING CRAZY!! RUGFSJDEFERFJAQDEFUE!”
And then he’s in a straitjacket.
--When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."
“What’s wrong, Pete?”
“I’m trying to do my biology paper, leave me alone so I can do my biology paper.”
“Talk to me about it.”
“It’s due in an hour and I still have 40 pages left! Please leave me alone!”
“I know you want to talk to someone about it.”
“NO!!”
“Let it all out.”
“YAAAAAAARRRGARRRRYARGLEBARGLEGUHGUHBLARGSPLAT”
--Guys don't really have final decisions.
Salad! No, soup! No, wait, salad! YAGH!
--If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.
95 percent of the time, I’m usually making funny jokes about monkeys. To ANYBODY I talk to.
--If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.
HAHA! Best guy friend! HAHA!
--When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.
“I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, DIANA!”
Diana: God hates gays and blacks.
“Uh… YEAH, TOTALLY! WHATEVER YOU SAY!”
--When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.
“That’s a big assed pimple on her back.”
--Guys like femininity not feebleness.
--Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
Again, these are quite similar. Only, the first one says “DON’T BE TOO FEEBLE” and the other one says “DON’T BE TOO STRONG.”
--A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
I could go with the easy joke and say “GUYS LIKE IT WHEN GIRL’S EYES ARE NEKKID!” You know what? Let’s just go with that.
--Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.
“Would you go out with me?”
“No, you’re creepy.”
“I’m going to have nightmares, you frighten me.”
--Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.
Men hate wax sculptures.
--Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.
HAHAHAHAHA!
--Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.
“Well, the bitch was just toying with me, but at least I got some good jerks from the whole ordeal.”
--If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don't say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren't interested in a relationship and they will respect you.
“I don’t want to date you, we aren’t friends.”
“I respect you.”
--Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.
“She got mad at me for paying the outrageous check at Bennigan’s! I’m in LOVE!”
--A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.
No, he wouldn’t, he’d give his right.
--No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.
But, girls can. If a girl were hanging off the edge of a cliff and she only had one arm, psshh, she could solve that.
--Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.
JUST BECAUSE ONE SOMETHING IS A DILLHOLE, DOESN'T MEAN ALL SOMETHING ARE. NOW, AS A SOMETHING, ALLOW ME TO ACT LIKE A DILLHOLE.
--Guys don't like girls who are too skinny.
“WHERE’D YOU GO?”
“I just turned to my side.”
“Oh, we are definitely not working out.”
--Guys love it when girls talk about there boobs.
Of course, we are also partial to “here boobs” and “everywhere boobs.” We hate “where boobs” because they snap at us.
--Always make sure you know what kind of stuff your getting into before making out with a guy ...like wheather it's a one time deal or not ...
“Hey Katie, let’s French!”
“I don’t know who you are. I wonder if this will be a one-time deal.”
--Believe it or not shy guys are the most easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and unoticable tell them about yours...
I wonder what he was trying to spell there.
--When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually
Gee, I bet that cleared things up for a lot of girls. Nice going, fker, now they know our patriarchal secret.
--Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs..
So rip his ribcage out and tickle it. He’ll get quite a chuckle.
--Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts...
“GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK, YOU DAMN DIRTY SLUT! GRR!”
--Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times.
Jenny respects the fact that you just wanted to get laid but ended up getting married. Tell her that.
--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.
Guys that call at 3 AM while throwing up to ask you out on a date really want to be with you. Take your top off. Please."
I know. I shook with laughter and spat my tea out too.
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