Tangled and my life.

As you are well aware, I saw Tangled yesterday. I am typing calming atm and I do admit though I left the cinema giggling and sighing with my heart racing, I tried to keep some composure mostly because I knew that otherwise I would annoy my friends; because I totally could have done the SCREAM UP AND DONE ABOUT HOW GOOD IT WAS AND SQUEAL AND MAYBE A LITTLE HAPPY DANCE THROWN IN THERE BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOOD AND NOTHING HURTS. Yeah, it was excellent; and it's one film I want to go into some detail about why I liked it so much.

Overall, just because I saw it yesterday, I'd give it five stars. Maybe in a few weeks or so I'll calm down a little but even so, I'd still give it at least four. Thing is, I was seriously worried I was going to be disappointed, but it didn't happen: maybe I wasn't spoiled as much as I thought I was, but lots of things were new and even the bits I saw before seemed surreal and altogether better when on the big screen. The songs were fantastic; not so fond of the 'Dream' one, because I just think the whole 'thug that likes to do girly/not very manly things' is getting old but even so it's a crucial part because it shows Rapunzel isn't a typical princess and while naive, stands up for herself and others should the occasion arise. I'd heard okay things about the songs, like how they weren't memorable but solid and I totally see their point, but that's only because it was brought out so late; if it was in the nineties, I stand by that people would remember it more because everyone sees that as Disney's peak. 'Mother Knows Best' is my personal favourite I think, but just so close! I think I'm just fascinated by villain songs when they're good because it's so easy to slip into a cliché; Mother Gothel is one of the best villains in all animation in my opinion and I both hated and loved her. The reprise is also so, so intense and awesome. The score overall is gorgeous and swells and drops at the right times and you can just... it's perfect. The music is perfect.

The humour is brilliant; I love the dialogue and writing and the slapstick. There's a lot of physical humour (poor Flynn suffers so much) but I'm so proud Disney didn't resort to butt-humour because that would have ruined so much for me. The fact that it had no pop culture references puts my faith back in animation; the cynicism is the 'inside joke' with the parents, because kids might be a bit distracted to notice it tbh, and it just goes to show that you don't need jokes about Facebook or car insurance or the economy to make a funny film. The horse, Maximus, and the chameleon, Pascal, have no lines and somehow are responsible for most of my laughs; not soft giggles, laughs. It's a very funny film.

The visuals are so beautiful; there's something so soft and warm and real about it that I can't help but love. The lanterns scene is possibly one of the most moving things I've ever seen in my entire life.

The voices are so well suited it's incredible; every line is delivered so well and accurately and with so much emotion. In the reprise of 'When Will My Life Begin' you can hear so well the excitement and elation in her voice; Mandy Moore surprised me a lot. Zachary Levi is perfect as Flynn and was just... gah. Just gah.

The plot is so adorable; it's typical and predictable but still, it's precious. They focus a lot of the characters too, so you get to see their transformations; Flynn more than Rapunzel, because she was already pretty perfect and all she needed was to be enlightened a little. I like that he didn't lose too much of his cynicism because that was my favourite aspect of him; he softened is all. I like his nicknames for her ('Goldie', 'Blondie'). The last scene is cute also.

I guess I'm a little sad it didn't get an Oscar nomination for Best Animated Feature because, well, it deserves to at least be nominated. I loved How to Train Your Dragon, but Tangled beats it. And 'I See the Light' is good, but 'Mother Knows Best' is more of a refreshing song so it deserved Best Song instead. It's just that I personally can see how much work went into it and how much Disney wanted it but... life goes on. It just makes me sad.

Go see it!

Love, always, Mel.

Badminton and stuff.

Yeah I started badminton today. That was good; ish. I mean, I spent the whole hour or so learning how to serve while my other two friends, Kate and Krysia, were good enough so the teacher taught them how to actually make points while I couldn't even get the shuttlecock over the net. But whatever; it's kind of embarrassing how bad at sport I actually am sometimes. Even in Year 8 and stuff my friends would be like, 'Oh I'm so bad at sport LOL' and then come back with a Level 5 in their reports. I would receive a 4+, because I tried. That plus that I saw was because I, unlike Laura Tombolani, wouldn't scratch at scabs as an excuse to get out of it; I would just get on with it, be humiliated, nearly cry and then carry on. Today I was humiliated, nearly cried and carried on; so it's good to see nothing's changed that much. Still, I can kind of serve now, so that's good I guess. I should be better in P.E. on Monday and then on Wednesday and then I'll be good at badminton. Maybe.

What else? Erm, Tangled on Friday! The tickets were booked because we're lame. Or rather, I am. Because the seats aren't allocated in the screen and no-one else really cared but at that point, when I knew this, I had gathered money from everyone and it was just not worth it. I don't think anyone will ever truly understand how much this film means to me; hell, I don't think I do. It's mostly Flynn Rider, I suppose; but I just like the look and everything of it. I hope I'm not disappointed by it but at this point, with the amount of hype I've given it and the looking forward to it... yeah. I'm trying to tone it down and keeping it smothered until the screening of the film because otherwise I'm just going to annoy people too.

That's all that's going on in my life atm. I did one hour on the cross-trainer WITHOUT STOPPING. Yeah, like a boss. You jelly? ~

Story tiem trolololol~ (this one is a bit of a filler, but yeah.)

Helena was beginning to get sick of books; everyday, for most of the day, Helena was assigned a chapter to read and then she was to write a page on it describing what happened and how she felt about. Even if it was uneventful, she did as Benjamin had told her to. Besides, the Captain was avoiding her like the plague and refused to even look at her; these reactions to her just made her angry and she decided it was best to keep to herself instead of taking out her anger on Benjamin later. Still, she was secretly proud: she wished the teachers at the orphanage could see her now, reading books and writing short essays on them. And they said she’d amount to nothing.

“Your cursive is improving,” Benjamin remarked as he held up two pieces of parchment, comparing them. He wore a proud smile. “I’m impressed.”

She stretched out her arms across the table and groaned, her hands aching. Though she was only expected to write a page, with this particular chapter she’d found herself writing piece of parchment after piece; granted her writing was of a considerable size, but nevertheless there was a fervent surge of energy that shot in her hand and she uncontrollably wrote and wrote and wrote. “Well if it hadn’t by this point I’d be worried.”

“I think I can safely say, Sunshine, that you can read!”

“I already could!” she exclaimed, exasperated. “Just not very well, is all.”

“Well now you can read well. Aren’t you pleased?”

“Not really?” she said, folding her arms and resting her head in it. “I think the Captain just used it as an excuse to get rid of me. I think he’s upset with me. He’s been avoiding me.”

“He’s just... nervous. And you did tell him to slow down.”

“Yes, but I didn’t tell him to run whenever he sees me.”

She lifted her head as she heard Benjamin’s footsteps getting progressively louder. He stroked her hair soothingly, saying nothing. Suddenly, she had an idea and was about to share it with him but from outside someone yelled, "Land ho!"

Elated, she ran out and to see; she saw yellow sand and a blue sea and her heart leapt out of her chest. Benjamin smiled in amusement behind her as she glanced behind her and grinned widely, happier than she’d even been in her life. She could taste the sea, feel the sand in her toes as a breeze played with her auburn curls, teasing around her neck and shoulders as it got underneath the shirt.

Instinctively she looked left and saw that Captain staring at her; but this wasn’t new. She caught him staring at her all the time and she was used him averting his eyes as soon as she did. This time, she timidly tucked a hair behind her ear and smiled uncertainly at him; he seemed to take a great intake of breath before he returned it, and her chest swelled up; he seemed charmed by her jubilation and his eyes showed amusement. He finally looked down and walked away but she kept her eyes on his back and somehow she knew that he was well aware that she was still looking.

Pleased, she bit her lip and looked back at Benjamin but regretted it nearly immediately; he looked so defeated again. There was so many ways that she could interpret it: but she knew it was because he was lamenting that his relationship with Jim was nowhere near as simple. He couldn’t simply smile at Jim and then it would all be on the road to being fixed and that everything would work itself out. She reached and took his hand giving it a squeeze, hoping that fresh sea air would do everyone some good.

Painting at therapy, internet withdrawal symptoms and the usual.

Today is Friday and I should be doing homework. That's how you know I'll never change. This week was long and hard; it was the first week of being sixteen, I guess, but not really. That's odd to me; I mentioned my age in a conversation and I had to think about saying 'I'm sixteen'. Because I am and it's weird.

I painted at therapy. That was fun: I painted things irrelevant to each other and irrelevant to how I was feeling so I felt maybe I was wasting her time because it meant I then had nothing back to report about what I think they mean. I mean, she's the psychiatrist, not me; I don't know what pictures mean, yo. But it was productive, as always; I somehow always have shit to talk about and that's weird. It surprises me but I'm always relieved.

Why this week was good:

- I painted at therapy.

- I got predicted an A* in English, German and French. Only one B in Maths but Maths is one of my better subjects so I can definitely get that up to an A.

- I found the third Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants in the library after months of wanting it.

- I wrote some more.

I'm sure there was more, but that's what I can think about. I suppose it's good that Brittana is happening in Glee (Brittany/Santana). And there's the Tangled fanfiction titled What You Don't Know which is astronomically good; Airplane (the author) portrays sexy scenes in a believable and mature way that makes them seem meaningful too. Maybe I'm biased because I find Flynn Rider mindblowingly awesome in every single way, but still. He writes a good Flynn. Plus it's updated every three days or so, so: AWESOME.

One week til Tangled! Cannot fucking wait. Eurrghhh this film will be my life. I just want it out of my system really, but even if it's bad, I know I'll find it adorable.

I've got about eight pages of story to post now, so that'll be it about my shite life for now:

Benjamin smirked as she closed the door behind her, “What a lovely, radiant glow you are wearing. May I inquire as to what—”

“Stop it,” she warned, but her face still couldn’t refrain from splitting into a grin. “Don’t. It’s nothing and absolutely none of your business.”

“You’re in my room,” he defended. “I’m your friend and you want to tell me.”

Helena disregarded his comment and climbed into her hammock, the one that he set up for her personally; he could have used that too as an excuse but as she curled up with the cushion that he’d given up to give to her and with the blanket that even though was Benjamin’s now smelled ever so slightly of Vincent, she realised she did. She did want to tell him. She had no-one else but them right now and it’s not like she could tell the Captain about how she was feeling and what a kiss as chaste as that did to her. So she spoke up.

“He kissed me.”

“I knew he would,” Benjamin replied. “Do you have any idea how much trouble I’m in because of you? He was fuming. And I’ve never seen him that angry before; he’s always had a devil-may-care attitude about everything but when you took too long to get back...” He shook his head. “You should have seen him; I was questioning all the locals and he would bark at them if they hadn’t seen you. And then he gets annoyed with me for being nice to you; because apparently I am a “bad influence” and he doesn’t want you “tainted”. The amount of times I had to explain I’m not interested in you like that and that I just offered the room out of courtesy.”

“He wanted to know if I had feelings for you. I said no.”

“I mean, you’re a pretty girl, but I—”

“I know,” she said matter-of-factly. “I’ve seen you with Jim. I take no offence.”

“I see,” Benjamin said curtly. “I would have told you, but it’s a secret. Vincent doesn’t know and he’s my best friend and I would like it to stay that way.”

“Why?”

“Because Jim has a fiancée waiting for him and he thinks that the only reason he’s attracted to me is because he hasn’t seen a woman in a while and so his body is acting up. He’s very innocent like that. In short, nothing will come out of it and it’s just unnecessary for him to know.”

Helena turned and sat up; Benjamin had a sad smile on his face as he lay with his arms folded against his chest. Her heart tightened.

“I could be your other best friend if you like,” said Helena. “And then you could tell me about it and maybe that’ll make you feel better, because it’s not going to do any good for you to keep it all bottled up. I’ll tell you about the Captain in return and then we’ll be even.”

She watched as his eyes closed but his smile remained; she meant what she said. She may have found him annoying if a bit disturbing at first, but he mattered now. Benjamin mattered and so did the Captain and there was no going back, not for now anyway. And they could have kicked her off the boat or thrown her overboard but they took her in; so now she wanted to help in any way that she could. Besides, she’d been giving people comfort for a significant part of her life; granted she doubted Benjamin would require the kind of comfort she usually gave, but she knew she could prove to be an adequate shoulder to cry on.

“A word of advice about the Captain,” he said. “Call him ‘Vincent’. He’ll be very pleased and it’ll cheer me up to see his reaction.”

*

Even though they predicted a storm because of the lingering clouds, when Helena mustered up the energy to get up, the day was bright outside and the sky was clear. She slipped into the trousers and one of the shirts that she borrowed from Jim, because he was rather small as well as the youngest member of the crew, and stepped out onto the deck. Noticing the sun beaming down intently, she rolled up her sleeves before making her way to the quarter deck, where the Captain was reading a map.

“Good morning,” she said and he looked up. Immediately, she regretted not kissing him; he looked so handsome with his hair mussed up and sticking out, his shirt more unbuttoned than usual with, like her, the sleeves rolled up, revealing his strong forearms.

“Good morning,” answered the Captain. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes,” she said timidly. She used to stay in an inn whenever she could, but that only depended if the customer wanted to go somewhere more private or if business was that bad that night that she had to just go to sleep without making any money; sometimes they wanted to in case they were seen with her and thus the news would eventually get back to their wives. Some of them evidently did not care less; these were the ones who married for money and both parties were financially dependent on each other. Sometimes they were just nice and felt sorry for her: the poor, helpless little rich girl who lost her way. Even so, there were nights when she had to curl up against the door of a shop and fall asleep; but they were few and far between. “I did.”

“Excellent,” he said idly, having apparently lost interest, and turned his attention back towards the map. Helena would be lying if she wasn’t feeling a bit bitter about the fact that she wasn’t the centre of his attention; after she had seen the look in his eyes, the one that begged for her kiss. But at the same time she felt guilty; maybe he thought that she had rejected him entirely, maybe she hadn’t been clear. So she leaned in and rested her head in her hands; to her dismay, he stood up straighter as she did so.

“What are you doing?” she asked casually, but hurt. Maybe this is how he felt.

“I’m trying to decide where we should go next; maybe the South of France? I’m not sure.”

“That sounds nice,” she mused, imagining a sun hotter than this, lying on the beach and swimming in the sea. And it was still France: so there would be the smell of freshly baked bread and old buildings. It was hard to imagine anywhere else that she’d like to go to.

“And then maybe we’ll course through to America; but we’ll have to stock up on supplies first. Just in case. I don’t want to run out of food or anything, not with you on board.” She wondered if they had ever run out of food before.

And America! The New World! Helena’s breath caught in her throat; never did she imagine she was going to visit America, never in her wildest dreams. She couldn’t even begin to conjure up an image in her mind of what it could look like, of what she’d be able to do. “America sounds nice too.”

He raised his head and with it a single eyebrow; when he gauged her expression, he shook his head, “Definitely not America. It’s too big and I’d lose you far too easily.”

Torn between being flattered and annoyed, she glowered at him but blushed at the same time. At this, he dropped the serious persona and bit his lip to stop from laughing, “I’m only joking, Helena; but in all honesty, we’ll only go to America if you swear you’ll be careful.”

“You said that I wasn’t allowed to leave your sight?”

“Of course you aren’t; but that won’t guarantee your complete safety. I need you to promise you’ll try.”

Now she was just annoyed; as if she deliberately got kidnapped by two imbeciles. She remembered Benjamin’s words: Call him ‘Vincent’. “Honestly Vincent,” she said with false nonchalance, “it’s not like I got kidnapped on purpose.”

She was afraid that he’d miss it from how easy it felt for her to say it; it slipped so effortlessly off the tip of her tongue. But after she’d said it, she saw his eyes widen and his head snapped down back to the map. It was a shame that she did so when Benjamin wasn’t there, but she made sure to recall this to him later to see if it got rid of that forlorn smile she had witnessed the night before.

“But I promise I’ll be good,” she said, tilting her head to look at his face. “So, how long would it take to get to the South of France?”

“Weeks, maybe a month,” he said, calculating it. “But I don’t even know what we could do there. I miss the old days where Benjamin and I would steal treasure and whatnot. But now, there’s nothing else to steal; nothing really I want.”

“You’re just the typical little rich boy aren’t you?” she sneered.

His head cocked up then, “I beg your pardon?”

“You’re so used to getting new toys you get bored of everything so easily,” she commented, enjoying teasing him in this way. “I bet your parents even bought you this ship.”

“Well they didn’t buy it for me; my father was in the Royal Navy and sleeps like the dead. And, surprisingly, doesn’t guard his possessions properly; I took a lot of than just one of his ships.”

“I doubt he was very pleased about that.”

“Well, he never was that fond of me anyway so there was no loss there.”

“Well, stealing his ship probably wasn’t the best way to go about repairing your relationship.”

“I suppose,” he agreed, going back to eyeing the map. There was a twitch of annoyance inside Helena; like someone plucked a string inside her that made her jump. “But after a while you realise there’s no point wasting your time trying to appease someone when they’re hated you for most of your life.”

“What about your mother?” Keeping him talking seemed to be distracting enough because he couldn’t focus on the map and on the conversation, so she carefully walked around the table to his side. She now stood adjacent to him, the familiar flutter of anxiety in her stomach at being near him as present as ever; it was an odd mix of excitement and fear that kept her there, only adjacent to him. Close enough for her to stay calm. “Did she always hate you?”

“No; I think I just disappointed her. The last time I heard she had left my father for one his sailors and they retired in a house in the Caribbean. She’s written letters telling me to visit but I think it’s only done out of courtesy. She is my mother after all.”

He continued and taking a deep breath, Helena stepped cautiously towards him, “Benjamin writes to his sister and I get my news from there; but he can only write when we stop at a place for a long enough time, which we rarely do.” He sighed sadly. “Sometimes I wonder if I dragged him into this mess; he’s lost a lot by staying with me. His family, with the exception of Eleanor, severed relations with him because associates with me. He had whole his future laid out in front of him and I messed it all up.”

Helena thought of Benjamin with the sad smile he wore when talking about Jim and the time when he told her that he ‘didn’t understand it’; how even with his reassuring smile there was a undeniable bitterness to his voice, one that could almost be interpreted as jealousy. She saw the Captain with an endearing, concerned look on his face and it just made sense. “I think there’s more to it than that.” Yes, she could see it now: both of them young and foolish, Benjamin vowing secretly to never leave the Captain for as long as he could; just as Helena was pretty much doing at that moment.

“How so?” he asked, still not noticing her increasing proximity. Helena saw something peculiar in his eyes at that moment; she saw the Captain as a young boy, desperately trying to impress his father and she saw the transformation a slightly older Captain, but young nevertheless, sneaking around a dark house and grabbing what he could. There stood the resentful, older Captain in front of her but in those eyes was a worried, anxious young boy who wanted to be supported, shown kindness and told that he hadn’t made a vastly wrong decision. She saw in the charming, handsome man a doubting boy; one that blamed himself for things that weren’t his fault. Scared that sudden movements might scare him, she moved closer to him with a slow, graceful pace until she was on the same side of the table as he was.

Folding her arms and leaning into them, she looked up at the Captain, “Because Benjamin’s old enough to make his own decisions and if he didn’t want to stay here he could have easily left by now.”

The Captain’s eyes showed he wanted to believe her but though the doubt in his eyes wavered, it remained.

Determinedly, she pressed on, “Me as well.” She had to stop briefly when she saw his eyes cloud over. “I could have easily have just left, but I want to be here. With you. I trust you.” She made a point of not clarifying that by ‘you’, she meant Benjamin as well.

His smile was small but roguish. “I never would have let you leave.”

Helena shuddered; there was the Captain she knew. Her hope was restored; it would all be so easy from here. It took too little difficulty to imagine how it would feel to have his hand in her hair, his smile on her mouth, his nose brushing against hers; she closed her eyes as she saw his hand rise, waiting for a kiss that wouldn’t come. Opening her eyes, she saw that hand of his on the godforsaken map, as if he hadn’t analysed it enough. She didn’t let herself be too upset because it was her fault, really; she was the one who told him to give her space. Still, she didn’t realise until now that whatever amount of space there was between them, it would be too much.

“What does that say?” she said with forced enthusiasm, pointing to a random part of the map.

“That’s Italy,” he answered.

“And here?”

“That’s France, where we are.” His voice was growing more curious.

“And here?”

Seeming suspicious, he said, “...That’s England.”

Helena looked at the two countries, wondering how much distance there was between them. It didn’t seem like a lot, compared to that of other countries; it was certainly one of the closest to England. She measured the distance with her thumb and index finger and held it so that it hovered over the picture ever so slightly; she thought about how the space, as small as it was, made it seem like she hadn’t come that far after all. In reality, she felt farther from home than home; more than that, she actually felt like she was in a place that could qualify as ‘home’.

“Helena.” She turned around, breathless and expectant.

“Are you illiterate?” His eyes showed confusion and concern.

Flushing, she replied, “Well, sort of, yeah.”

“‘Sort of’?”

“Well, I can write my name and some other words but I didn’t really learn much at the orphanage. And eventually they gave up trying to teach me. I wasn’t always the most behaved of students see and—”

His hand firmly gripped her shoulder and his brow furrowed deeper. For a moment, she was certain he was going to kiss her, but that thought was erased when he began to guide her away from the foredeck and back to Benjamin’s cabin. He rapped on the door and Benjamin appeared misty-eyed and shirtless; Helena was completely unmoved by it and was oblivious to the Captain’s glare towards him as he barked out, “Our Helena can’t read.”

Benjamin yawned, “And you want me to teach her?”

“Yes.”

“Why? What makes you incapable?”

“I’m busy. And I’m not as intelligent as you, and you know that.”

“Flattery isn’t going to convince me, Vincent.”

“Please.”

Benjamin rolled his eyes, “Fine. But you’re lucky I fancy our Helena here because otherwise—”

“That’s not even remotely funny,” said the Captain and he let go of her; her shoulder missed his touch but mostly she was secretly pleased that they kept calling her ‘our Helena’; it made her feel like she belonged and let her know that they cared about her. “And clothe yourself, Stevenson for goodness’ sake.”

It was almost as if she wasn’t there; this was the famous Hawkins-Stevenson banter and it had no room for third parties. Benjamin pulled her close to him, his bare chest warm as it was pressed against her. He smirked defiantly at the Captain who scowled, made a disgruntled noise and flounced away unwillingly.

“Ah he’s so adorable, is he not?” Benjamin sighed, sounding like a parent whose child was devious and hard to deal with, but they loved them to bits all the same.

“Am I allowed a say in my education?” Helena asked wearily, rubbing the shoulder that the Captain had grabbed with such force.

“Not really,” replied Benjamin. “I had decided to teach you already when he first came to me because as book-lover that is simply atrocious. I just wanted to toy with him a little.”

“Mature. Now he’s going to think there’s something between us.”

“Maybe there is.” He smiled suggestively at her, playing with a loose strand of her hair. She rolled her eyes.

“You forget that I’ve seen you with Jim.” His hand stopped and moved to pat her on the head as he chuckled.

“Ah yes,” he said, walking away to pull a shirt out of his wardrobe. “Now, I’m going to get dressed so I don’t distract you and you can go over there and pick a book for us to start with.”

In which Melanie remembers how much she loves good television...

...namely Grey's Anatomy. I really do. I think the characters are brilliant and loveable and real. The writing is fantastic and I cry pretty much every episode because even if nobody dies, they'll be something really small that moves me; that's how much it means to me. Lexie is by far the best but other favourites include Cristina, Mark and Arizona; Arizona I relate to in a lot of ways and she's awesome because she's badass but cries when confronted. Relatable character is relatable. I forget sometimes how much I love it and just thought I should share that with you.

Really, the only reason I'm blogging is because I have a new excerpt for my pirate story. I've realised that they actually go in order but much like an episodes of Doctor Who, it's like I only write when stuff happens; as in, The Doctor and Amy or whoever have travels where they don't encounter evil and save lives but that's what we are shown because it'd be boring to watch them just prancing around having fun. I feel like that's what I'm doing.

Thank you for the feedback on the story so far, btw. I like that people are liking this because it's so fun to write. Benjamin is a pimp and I adore him so much but Helena is awesome and Vincent is just hot so whatever. All my characters are hot. All of 'em. Anyway, I'm going to try to start reasons why today is awesome and such things because I love 5AG and positivity is something I should work on, even if I consider my cynicism and sarcasm one of my more charming points. Thus, today is awesome because of Lexie Grey, and because my friends and I went to a restaurant, the all you can eat one, and I ate all I could have and that is good.

Story!

Oddly furious when they arrived back at the ship, Helena crossed the deck to go to Benjamin’s quarters, dragging him with her. She was sick of the Captain acting like she was this helpless little thing that couldn’t even walk without assistance or some nonsense like that and just wanted him out of her sight.

Vincent cleared his throat, “Benjamin, a word in my quarters. Helena, you as well; after I’m done with Benjamin.”

They talked for a good while and Helena got bored of just sitting, alone, waiting for Benjamin to return and grabbed his blanket and walked onto the deck. She stood by the edge, clutching the blanket around her but shivered because the cold breeze managed to get through anyway, raising goosebumps on her skin; she watched the sea until it made her lightheaded and she curled up into a ball on the floor, closing her eyes. When she opened them, she jumped; there stood the Captain, hands in his pockets, looming over her.

“Oh it’s just you,” she said, straightening herself up but he sat down beside her. It was odd, having him this near her; she was used to the Captain being authoritative and important, giving orders and just being distant in general. But now, here he sat, one leg tucked under his thigh while the other stretched out in front of him, so very near her. “So, what did you want to tell me?”

“I wanted to know how you feel about Benjamin.”

“Benjamin?” asked Helena. He nodded in reply. “Well, he’s very sweet and is good company, I suppose. I don’t have feelings for him, if that’s what you want to know.”

“Yes, that it what I wanted to know,” he said softly. “And he just told me he didn’t have feelings for you either, that is a relief.”

She didn’t know what to say to that, so she changed the subject, “How did you find me?”

If he was unhappy about how she dodged his implication, he didn’t show it. He seemed very serene, almost bored, “Benjamin asked around and some people claimed to have seen you but only briefly; but when we arrived back at the ship, to see if maybe you’d returned there, there was a small boy who said he was paid to give us a note. It said that if we ever wanted to see you again then we had to give them a sum of money and told us the address to give them it." As she had suspected, her capturers were idiots; who was stupid to make the location where they collect money the same place where their hostage was being held? She felt ashamed.

“Benjamin speaks French?”

“Yeah, we both had the same private tutor growing up; we learnt French, German and Latin, but he paid attention and I didn’t.”

She paused. “How much money did they want?”

“I don’t know. I never intended on paying it; however, I never expected them to be that stupid to the point where they would keep you at the same place as they wanted to collect the money from. That made matters much easier.”

Helena brought her knees to her face, “See? I knew you’d come for me.”

The Captain sighed and rubbed his jaw, “It’s best if you don’t keep that sort of faith in me. You don’t know when some skilled kidnappers will get a hold of you and I won’t be able to come get you again so easily.”

She rolled her eyes. “Just because I get kidnapped once doesn’t mean that it’s going to become something that happens often. I got distracted, but I promise it won’t happen again.” She sneaked a look through her curly red hair and saw that he didn’t look convinced; sighing, she continued, “Listen, Vincent, I can look after myself; I was a prostitute in London.” It felt so relieving to say it; the women who worked at the orphanage had kicked her out because of it, but nonetheless, they claimed it was because she became “too old”—and she was only sixteen. Women in the neighbour stopped speaking to her because of her profession and called her a ‘disgrace’ and those who were crueller, sneered ‘whore’ at her. Never did anyone outwardly call her a prostitute. Helena laughed breathily and he looked slightly puzzled.

“Sorry,” she said, “it just feels good to say it. I am a prostitute,” she repeated, enunciating and reveling in the words. She giggled once more, “I’ve been doing it since I was sixteen and not once have I ever said it; not really. I am a prostitute, I am a...” she paused and blinked. “Oh. Or rather, I was. I was a prostitute.” She looked down at her hands, held them up in front of her and then set them back down on her lap. She sighed jaggedly. “God, what am I even doing? I’m not even making money; what was I thinking, coming aboard this ship? I remember this one client and he was a painter; but not a painter for houses. He was an artist. He told me painting was the thing he loved and even though he barely made a living of it, he could never bear to give it up. He was one of my firsts, I think; before I managed to get attention from the richer men. The point is,” she said, “is that I’m eighteen years old and I have nothing like that. I sleep with married men and that’s all I have. I don’t have... painting and I don’t have anyone...” She trailed off, her voice faltering. She leaned her head against the wooden wall behind her in thought and said nothing more; she didn’t cry, because she never cried, but what she usually experienced instead was worse. Helena’s stomach, when she was sad, hollowed out and it felt like a whirlwind clawing its way up and down her body at the same time; the hole always expanded, the whirlwind swirling around inside her, and that’s when she went out in search for customers.

“Helena.” She turned to him and his mouth was against hers for no more than a second. He tasted like toffee and apples. As he leaned in to kiss her again, she put a single hand on his arm; she looked up at him through her eyelashes and saw his eyes; his eyes glazed over and pleading, his breathing hitched. Their faces were inches apart and she wanted to kiss him more than she wanted any other thing in the world but something, somehow, let her keep her composure; she put trembling fingers on his cheek and then moved them to his shoulder, pushing him away.

“Let’s not do this,” Helena said gently. His eyes closed and he turned from her dejectedly. “I... I’m not used to this. I’m not used to you and I don’t know how to feel around you. I don’t know if I like how it feels around you and if we’re going to do this... eventually...” His head turned towards her in a hopeful way. She struggled to find a way of saying that she wasn’t saying ‘no’ to him, not really; she was saying ‘no’ to the way she usually did things. She didn’t want this to happen like it usually did; she wanted this to be different and special. “I’d like to learn more about these feelings first. Please.”

She smiled tentatively at him and he wearily did so in return, “If you are sure,” he said.

“Thank you,” she said earnestly, giving his leg a pat. “I’m glad we had this little chat; I’ll see you in the morning.”

Vincent watched her as she, subconsciously, sashayed into Benjamin’s quarters; she was completely unaware of what she did to him. He groaned and tugged at his hair in frustration before he went to his own quarters to not sleep.

Love, always, Mel.

'Sup.

So, birthday tomorrow. Aoife and Elisabeth thank you for your comments; they were really, really lovely and made my heart sing. I'm looking forward to cake and presents and maybe getting old, a little. I suppose. Also, I get to go to Day's with some of my favourite people in the world, wear the nicest dress I own and eat ALL THAT I CAN EAT; with restaurants like that I just kind of look around at the buffets like, 'Challenge Accepted'.

Story time, because I promised people (Lauren read them both because the first is not the same as the draft you read):

“I don’t understand it you know,” Benjamin remarked, suddenly beside her. Helena was yet to understand what purpose Benjamin actually served to being on the boat; aside from keeping the Captain company and providing some witty banter for those who would listen when they talked, he didn’t really do much. He could be called ‘first-mate’ but if so, he was the laziest son of a bitch to ever become first-mate; he didn’t give orders and never listened to what the Captain told him to do. So, a lot of the time he just waltzed around bothering people; his favourite target of the moment seemed to be Helena.

“Don’t understand what?” She had given up on telling him to leave her alone.

“The Captain’s deep fondness for you, considering you are so plain by comparison.”

She huffed indignantly. not happy to have been called ‘plain’; she made a living form her looks, thank you very much, and didn’t like to have them bashed, because they were a legion of men who would disagree. “I beg your pardon, in comparison to who?”

“It’s ‘whom’, my dear,” said Benjamin, “and in comparison to the maidens who the Captain took a liking to before yourself.”

“And what is it about them that makes me inferior?”

“Now don’t misinterpret what I say; I’m merely remarking upon the fact that the other girls were more exotic looking than you; however I much prefer you to those snotty, high-maintenance whores who eventually Vincent grew tired of. You seem more tolerable.”

Helena blinked and looked down at the sea curling and liking at the boat, “Well thank you I suppose.”

“You’re quite welcome, but let us move onto another matter: I’ve been bashing my head against walls trying to come up with a nickname for you; I don’t suppose you have one I could use, a name you used to be called by?”

“Not any I would like to repeat?” Disappointment, whore, bitch, useless, thief, waste of space. “But why are you asking?”

“Because,” he said, turning his mischievous blue eyes on her, “I do enjoy playing with the captain’s food.”

She shivered; is this the kind of relationship they had, with an underlying competiveness what inevitably turned into a bond? Were they even that close to begin with, or was Benjamin secretly resentful towards the Captain for being captain and this able to boss him around? Before she could say anything, Benjamin leaned down and kissed her hand, excusing himself.

Cheeks burning, she turned to see the Captain standing on the opposite side of the desk, not looking very pleased at all.

---

“Oi, Captain, let go of me!” yelped Helena, tripping over the roots of trees and such things with how forcefully he was dragging her. His grip didn’t loosen so she raised her other hand and whacked him on the head multiple times. Benjamin stood at the shore, right at the bottom by the row-boat and his head perked up when he saw her. Vincent was silent as he released her and Benjamin stepped forward.

“You’re alright, aren’t you?” His voice was calm but his eyes seemed concerned as he cupped her face and checked for any injuries. “The bastards didn’t hurt you, did they?”

Helena had been captured when they stopped in France for supplies; it had been particularly frustrating because she had convinced the Captain that she was perfectly capable of handling herself and so he had permitted her to go for a walk. It was exciting for her, having only ever lived in London and she supposed she got carried away with how amazing and fascinating it was; that was until two men followed on either side of an alley. She had fought back as best as she could but against two men that were bigger than her and having no fighting skills whatsoever, it took them almost more time at all to knock her out; it was as if they were just humouring her with letting her try to fight.

She awoke up in a little cottage somewhere, tied up and gagged. Wriggling around she found the knots weren’t even that tight; she groaned internally at the fact that she’d been kidnapped by two Frenchmen and two who didn’t have the faintest idea what they were doing. But even so, she was smart enough to know to not try to escape when it was still light out and so tried communicate with them, so she could at least know their motives; if all they wanted was sex, they should have just asked and they wouldn’t have had to go through all this.

“What do want?” she tried gently; perhaps if she played the helpless posh girl, then they pity and go easy on her. It had worked before. “I don’t have any money, if that’s what you want. My father disowned me.”

But the taller of the two ordered the other to slap her; dazed, she never spoke up again. They may have been stupid, but they meant business. There was a window to the right and in her periphery she could see the green leaves clumped together.

Her heat sank; maybe it wasn’t going to be so easy to escape after all. Even so, she expected they must have seen she had no money and had still decided to keep her; and if they wanted sex they were taking their bloody time about it. Perhaps it was something to do with the captain? Maybe after seeing the luxurious ship and his arm go so protectively around her waist when they stepped onto the port. Of course; it all made sense now: they were holding her for ransom. Oh, she winced; the captain is going to be furious. He was going to kill them and then he was going to kill her.

The two men were conversing rapidly and quietly, as if she would be able to understand anyway; it was almost soothing and her head hurt so badly and how much could it hurt for her to go back to sleep? It felt like a split second after her eyelids drooped, the door was flung open violently and the captain stood in the doorway fuming; or at least, as much as he could. The captain was never angry, not really; his eyes could be angry or his jaw would be tight and he wouldn’t talk or both of the above, but so far, after weeks with him, Helena had never seen him ever lose his temper or raise his voice. Wordlessly, he took out his pistol and shot the shorter man in the foot while the other, realising that now he was alone, felt himself up for a weapon; when he found he had none, he held up both hands again began to talk slowly, his tone cautious, his smile apologetic.

If he hadn’t slapped her across the face, Helena would have felt sorry for him. She watched as, infuriated further, the captain’s eyes flickered between his left and right hand before settling on his right, pulling the trigger. He walked over to her and she opened her mouth to thank him when he removed the cloth that was gagging her but he placed his hand over it.

“Don’t.” His tone was final and commanding and his eyes avoided her; she had guessed correctly: she was in trouble. She was undecided on being annoyed or scared. As the taller Frenchman, wailing as he clutched his hand, attempted to charge at him; without looking, the Captain shot the shoulder of the hand which he had hit previously. He made sure he reached into the pockets of both of them, removing the little money they had, because dragging Helena out of the crumbling establishment.

“I’m fine,” she told Benjamin as his thumb brushed over the cheek where the man had slapped. “He hit me once because I talked,” she explained but his brow only furrowed deeper, “but I’m fine, honestly.”

She heard the Captain scoff beside her as Benjamin helped her into the row boat and she demanded, “What?”

“Nothing,” he said, sitting opposite her. Benjamin took the oars and began to row as Helena asked the Captain again.

“It’s just you were much more of fool than I imagined you would be.” At this, she let out an offended cry. “What were you thinking, wandering off in the first place and then you get captured and try to converse with them?” Helena didn’t appreciate his tone in the slightest.

“What actually happened?” asked Benjamin kindly and she smiled shyly at him, grateful; she’d gotten rather close to Benjamin after walking in on him and one of the younger crew mean passionately kissing. They hadn’t noticed her and he didn’t know that she knew but either way, it made her feel more comfortable around him to know he didn’t feel for her in that way; it was refreshing to have a man in her life for more than thirty-five minutes, let alone one that was only her friend. After the way she had suddenly warmed to him, he called her ‘Sunshine’; as you can imagine, this caused a look of distaste to fall upon the Captain’s face.

She told him about how she was admiring the architecture and smelling fresh bread and found this odd little alley and she decided to go down it – the captain let out a snort in disbelief but they both ignored him – and realised when it was too late that they were two men following her; after that all she remembered was waking up in a cottage, being hit in the face and slowly falling asleep. But then the Captain burst in.

The Captain still looked incredulous; Helena exhaled in frustration and asked him once again what his problem was.

“What are you still so calm about his?”

“I knew you would save me,” she shrieked. The Captain’s eyes widened and she looked down at her knees. “I was planning on escaping at night, but if that failed, I knew you would come for me.”

There was a silence and you could feel Benjamin’s gaze fall upon her and the Captain before he let out a hearty laugh, “Oh dear; Sunshine, you have no idea how much he wants to kiss you right now.”

Turning his head to the side, the Captain said nothing to combat Benjamin’s words. Instead he said, “Next time please don’t have so much faith in me. And you’re never leaving my sight when we make land ever again; and that's final.”

---

Love, as always, Mel.

Pirate story and things.

Went shopping today and it was fun because I got a dress which is cute and a pair of jeans that I like. This is good because I normally hate wearing jeans but these are comfy and cute; technically they are jeggings but nonetheless, they'll keep me warm. Er; than tights. Those are the main expenses apart from my boots and the leggings, skirt and cardigan I bought. Because apparently 'You're not sixteen everyday' means my parents can afford this stuff (my birthday is next week, mind; I was buying stuff for the dinner I'm having as well as other necessities).

Ngl, when I was shopping, for some reason I got really upset. This was before I bought the dress so maybe it was just because I was fearing the shopping spree had not been that productive, but I seem to find myself sad sometimes. Just sad. Kind of dragging myself through the day. It's odd, because you'd think I'd be happy to see my mother willing to spend money on me and stuff, but I get random bursts of sadness. I'd like to think therapy is helping a little, and I definitely feel like I have less weight on my shoulders, less things on my chest, but I'd like to be diagnosed; it'd help to have a label that I can use as opposed to, when I tell people I need therapy, saying 'just because'. I admit I don't actually mind telling people, mostly because I like to gauge their reactions; people like Jacob are incredulous and say 'But you're so happy all the time'. Truth is, Jacob makes me happy. Not in a 'I fancy him' kind of way, but just... I'm glad to have him in my life. Same with all my friends, but I like Jacob's honesty and bluntness but at the same time he's very sweet. I should tell him more often.

Anyway, birthday. Next week. Thirteenth. Sixteenth's year of being alive. Not that excited. I mean, I'm getting presents which include books so wahey, but... getting old is something I'm not keen on. I see old people on my bus, their withered skin and tired eyes, and dread becoming like that. That tired, that resentful; regretful too. I'm scared of taking risks but at the same time I'm terrified of regretting not taking them. But I do think of it like this: I'd like to be married in fifteen years, at the latest; but I don't see myself getting a boyfriend any time soon. I worry that I'm getting older and nothing's happened yet. I'm still single, still bored and still very insecure; I'm wishing all vanish gracefully with experience and age but I can so clearly see myself alone, in the middle of a small, cold apartment in London, having accomplished nothing. Like Bridget Jones, only no-one will like me 'just as I am'; no-one wanting to be my Mr. Darcy.

On a lighter note, I have a short story to share. It stars Helena, a thief from London and Vincent, a pirate; she comes from a poor background and has to get by in ways that are less than pleasant whereas he comes from a rich family, but as a bored delinquent, he quits the Navy and follows the path of piracy. I like their chemistry; she's young and feisty with flaming curly, red hair but she's on the same level as him; just as cunning. She sneaks upon the ship, desperate to flee from the life she has to endure and plans on hiding among the pantry until they next make land. But she is found by Benjamin, Vincent's best friend and accomplice, and he hauls her into the captain's quarters. The girl intrigues Vincent and he decides to keep her on board so he can learn more about her. Vincent is based off Robert Downey Jr's interpretation of Sherlock Holmes, only more sly and Benjamin is like Watson, I suppose, only not as goody-two-shoes; it's like James and Sirius only Benjamin is the more talkative one. Helena I have to say I've not really based off of anyone; she's self-sufficient and strong, but Vincent deteriorates that with his curiosity, as she's never been the object of someone's attention before. He makes her feel like she's vulnerable with how protective he grows of her.

So here goes:

“But do tell me,” he said huskily, tracing the back of his fingers against her rough cheek. “Why is it you slip into that ever-so-endearing old Cockney accent every so often?”

“Because it's my real one. Some... clients, preferred it when I seemed like a little posh girl gone astray,” Helena replied, walking from him and tracing her finger along his desk. She was well-acquainted with games men liked to play, the taunting before the incident, but this was different; there was deep lust in his eyes she did not recognize. It seemed to go beyond simply wanting to ravish her, but rather that he wanted to break down the wall she had erected around her heart and devour the information, and never forget it. The men she had encountered usually only wished for the one night, sometimes not even in a suitable location, and that was that. Of course it wasn’t pleasant regardless of the place or not, but she’d take their wallet so it was all a day’s, or night’s to be more accurate, work; what’s more is that it was usually worth it because most of them were rich, married men whose wives were just as stressed and tired as they were and thus could not provide for them in the ways that Helena could: this meant that it was over pretty quickly and was well worth it since what lied in the wallet could sustain her for a while. Point being: not being familiar with how his eyes glittered, she chose to not stay so close to him, as a precaution. “Seemed to... get them excited, me having some exciting back-story, rather than the typical ‘raised in an orphanage'.”

“Clients?”

“How else do you think I got by?” She frowned, not liking the tone in his voice; surprise.

He was silent for a while before, without looking at her, asking, “How old are you?”

“Eighteen,” she answered promptly, not sure where he was getting at. “Why?”

“You seem older,” said Vincent. “I never thought... well I suppose it should be quite common, for a girl of your age and status but still... I... I’m not sure I feel about the idea of you having to sleep with other men in order to make a living.”

“What else do you suggest I do?” She didn’t enunciate the ‘t’ on the word ‘what’. “And besides, what business is it of yours?”

“Touché,” he said softly. “But I’m afraid it will make you rather protective of you when we next make land; I don’t want anyone coming to close to what’s mine.”

“And who’s to say I’m yours?” She barely finished her question before he had circled the desk to have his face inches from hers; near enough to smell the peppermint in his breath. And there was that look in his eyes again, the one that made her stomach feel hollow.

“The look in your eyes.” His voice for so sure and confident that she had nothing to retort and watched his saunter out of the quarters wordlessly.

---

I know it's short, but I'm still developing them. I like the trio: Vincent, Benjamin and Helena. I was going to name her Scarlett but I'm not sure; seems it would be too corny given she's a redhead. Thoughts?

Love, as always, Mel.

Call it Eleven!

If you watch Frezned, you'll get the title. If not, I'm sorry. I didn't have any other title for this post. Sorry.

WOOT, so like always, I'm ill. I always seem to blog when I'm ill and I should be revising German, but I think I know it but I'll go check that I do when I'm done.; nevertheless, I guess some traditions will not be broken in '11, huh?

I guess it's fitting to talk about my resolutions, but since there's so much I want to change about myself, I'll try to generalise it a bit:

- Beat a video game

Namely: Twilight Princess, Pokemon Leaf-Green or whatever.

- Do my homework when I get it and give it in on time

Or just focus more on my school life; I find it become very exhausting to have that gnawing guilt that I have essays to do. It literally tires me out, so I'm really going to try to just get it over with or at least attempt it in the first day: that way I'll feel that I'm at least trying.

- Exercise more

Namely on the cross-trainer; because it's free and I can do it watching TV or something. I know I'm not fat, but I'm still not happy with my weight; it'd be nice to tone up or really I just want to get more active. I'll continue with the yoga but I'll try some slightly more intense stuff too. Because I don't want to get old and weak.

- Read more Classics

Because I've found I can read more critically now and since I'm not taking English Lit, I want to try to at least attempt some of the work I'd do in that course by myself. Plus it never hurt to get more cultured and to have opinions on well-renowed things.

- Pick up an intrument

Most likely trumpet because I could do it but either that or piano. Trumpet seems least expensive but maybe because of the lack of teachers of it, I might try something else, like piano.

- Get a job/internship

Hopefully something to do with English but I wouldn't mind working in a nursery or whatever, or just in a shop. Idealistically, with a writer or with a magazine that does movies reviews or talks about upcoming films (Empire, FILM, etc) but realistically, small shops around Brighton or, yeah, a nursery. Some volunteer work is good too.

Those are the big ones, because I'm really not that unhappy with my life. I could get out more, but it's winter so I have an excuse. But compared to the least few years, I definitely get out more. It'd be nice to go round Ciara's more often too, since she's just around the corner; she could even help me with Science or Maths, because I'm sure she wouldn't mind an opportunity to show how freakin' intelligent she is. Also, she's a great teacher. To be honest, to get closer with Maurice and Libby would be great too and something I want to do because it's their last year at Newman next year. That seems weird.

Speaking of Libby: TANGLED COMES OUT SOON. I have literally never been this excited. Flynn is so hot and just a great character; Rapunzel seems like she could be a bit of a Mary-Sue but I'm sure I'll love her anyways. I will book as soon as I can and write a full review, even if no-one will care.

I'm also planning my Nanowrimo for next year. I think I'm going to use Joanna and Nicholas but maybe change her name? Not sure. I like what I built with them and I'd like to take it further, explore what I've created. As a challenge, I think I'll make Joanna a polar opposite to myself, interests-wise; which means she will like sports. It's what I like about books: to be honest to delve into another's shoes and see what it would be like to live another life.

Erm: more books. I want more books. And clothes; I'm having fun with my wardrobe atm and trying to mix things up. I'm still going to buy stuff second-hand because I stand by that it's fun to buy it. Plus I hate shoppers. God I hate shoppers.

My Christmas was okay; not amazing. The presents were good but I'm expecting more... books for my birthday. I asked for books but my parents resisted and got my gift cards for shops. Tempted to just get the money from them and buy books from Amazon.

My current illness: ear ache. It's making me a little dizzy and merging into a headache but I want to be in school tomorrow so I'll just take medicine to school or whatever. I miss my friends and want to know what I got for my Mocks; unless it's bad. Then I don't want to know. Meaning: Maths teacher and my Science teachers can just not talk to me kthanks.

It'd be nice to vlog or at least attempt it in '11. I have a video camera for Christ's sake so I could upload my concert footage from The Maine/Mayday Parade. Getting known from other Youtubers would be great but I want to practice with Sony Vegas too because film-making is something I'd like to know more about regardless of ever doing it professionally or whatever.

Going to watch TV and go on the cross-trainer now,

Love, Mel.